As the Vampire Sparkles


Previously on As the Vampire Sparkles, emoteen Bella Swan moves to a tiny little depressing rainy town and won't shut up about it. There she meets a mysterious boy who turns out to be a 100+ year-old vampire who literally sparkles "like diamonds" in direct sunlight and reads minds (but not hers), and after three hundred pages of Bella wondering why he's so mean to her and why he's so weird and why he's not being mean to her anymore and what his deal is and if he likes her and if he actually loves her and how much he loves her and how he could possibly love as someone as Mary Sue plain and boring and clumsy as she is and if his vampire family will like her, a plot finally shows up, but it doesn't last very long. And then they go to prom. In the second book, Edward the sparkling vampire leaves Bella for her own good, and she spends most of the book trying to kill herself with motorcycles and cliff-diving. Sort of. And then her best friend falls in love with her and turns out to be a werewolf, but Bella runs away to save Edward from committing suicide by public sparkling in Italy. In the third book, Jacob the best friend/boyfriend wannabe/werewolf turns into a total asshole trying to force himself on Bella, and a vampire with a grudge from the first book is trying to kill her, but more importantly, Bella and Edward argue about whether they should have sex, get married, and/or vampirize Bella, and in what order. Hand to God, I did not make one word of that up. Twilight means never having to say you're kidding.

The quote above pretty much sums up Twilight to a T… and this saying actually makes sense for once. It’s funny that as people who ridicule and scorn the novels, we can still enjoy them too - though I’ve not read the novel in years and wouldn’t know how I would react to it these days. Regardless, it’s a somewhat masochistic thing to do. It’s just as well - there’s EL James and Stephenie Meyer to look up down to, to remember what not to do as an author.

At the same time, they stand as a reminder of what kind of standard of book can be published these days - not even self-published. And somehow these have spawned a worldwide phenomenon.

Admittedly the most amusing aspects of Twilight fandom these days is how much Robert Pattinson absolutely hates the series (specifically the things he says about how he saw and how he played the character). In fact there are many fans of Robert Pattinson who like him purely because of how much he dislikes the series and thus the random things he says as a result, from making up things that happened to him to talking wildly about unrelated topics in interviews.

It’s also interesting and how much criticism and scorn people can dish out at a book like Twilight yet be totally obsessed with it. I particularly liked my friend’s parody fic, halflight, a wittier and more enjoyable version of the story than I’d ever read. Wonder what happened to it?

(Originally inspired by io9.)