Thinking about the future.....

Originally from

It kind of hit me a while ago that at the end of this month, I'm probably going to be working non-stop until about September when we have mid-semester break in semester 2. It's not so much the thought of work that scares me, but how much I will get to sleep, given the different activities that are already going on.

Let me recap.

Semester 2 of first year, I had my first internship at IBM. Needless to say, I am pretty sure I made a bad impression because at the beginning of my internship with them, I was frequently so tired I kept falling asleep at my desk. My manager even pulled me aside and talked to me about it. I was pretty humiliated by that, which is why I took up coffee drinking even though I wasn't sure it would have any effect. I did manage to stay awake after that though, although I would usually nod off on the train home, and occasionally miss my station.

What also worried me was that on the single off day I had because of a public holiday, I spent most of it dozing in my seat, tired out. I wondered if it was because I'd become dependent on the coffee on making myself stay awake and wasn't able to stay awake without it. In any case, when we did exams at the end of that year, I kept falling asleep in the Databases exam, even though I managed to finish it. I was almost certain that I would fail that exam and thus the subject, but I passed with a D... (even though I felt like I barely knew what was going on anymore).

This year, even, the day before my first and only exam for BPITS, I fell asleep for the majority of the day, sleeping until about 7PM before I pulled myself together and tried to study. The amount of mental exhaustion that seems to get incurred in me worries me because I don't want to disappoint HP, and I am trying to cut down some of the things I do on the internet in the intervening weeks, but ultimately I'm going to be exhausting myself out, and without a break in between internship and the start of the next semester, I'm going to be worse than burnt out.

I had a week of break between first semester and internship last time, but I'm not certain if I will get that this time, and a week was not enough even, in my opinion, because of how much I fell asleep during those first few weeks of the internship. At least without uni a few weeks every few months, will make working easier because I won't have to deal with going to uni after work, although having 'groupwork' means even more time must be allocated to work on stuff outside of uni.

I guess my worries can be summed down to two or three basic points after all that rambling: 1. Sleep deprivation and burning myself out 2. Not being able to get the stuff I want done 3. Making a bad impression on HP 4. Failing the club

Or maybe 4 points. I'm certain there might be more, but I can't work it into words right now. I was looking forward to trying out a new position, but the enormity of the endless year ahead is hitting me pretty hard right now and I just want out. I just want another year like the one just gone if possible, but it's not possible. I probably won't be at uni much the first half of the year, and I'll probably miss out on events a lot - which I suspect may be part of why I am not secretary again, but I won't make anyone reveal any of the reasoning behind that. Having an Art Director position puts more stress on me though, because so much needs to be done in the first semester, compared to the second semester where I could vanish like Susanne did and it wouldn't have mattered much.

I suppose I shouldn't worry so much. This is what full-time work would be like when you're a working adult, but as an internship student, I still feel restricted, like I don't know what is right or wrong and I don't know whether I can be liberal or not. I feel intimidated.

My peers don't seem to feel the same way as I do, but perhaps because they have more confidence with their abilities or their experience of their previous internship was different from mine. My 'manager' was kind of a quiet type, so he was also intimidating because he never really smiled at me or we never really had informal lunches and stuff. I never knew what he was really thinking. It would have been nice to have someone work with me I could talk to, sort of like Erica, a second year working with me at the time. Erica too was kind of quiet though, even though she was nice and tried to help me, I still felt restricted with her.. I was only really comfortable around Scott who was nice and just gave an air of kindness... I don't even know. orz

I guess in part I'm also afraid of making the same mistakes... but not knowing what I might be doing means new mistakes and ... if I don't get any job offers after this... I don't know. They say BIT people are highly sought after ---- I don't know if they'd really want me since I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING BUT ADMIN, lol.

Maybe if I could feel like I had more freedom, but HP intimidates me as a whole. The guy who talked to us in first year at the presentation was kind of scary and kind of nice. He was nice, but because I didn't know anything about the questions he was asking and John seemed to understand everything, I felt stupid. -_- I still don't have a clue about what he was talking about, or what some of the other BITs talk about... which is why I wonder why I am in IT, but then I don't have anything else I can do.

Adam said he had a good time at HP, but in the end, we are different people. The other three who went to IBM had a great time. Me? I just felt like I got a lot of admin experience and a wealth of trauma.

I swear those 6 months sapped my self esteem like nothing before. I never felt so worthless in my life. -_-