The... negative side of Kiri.


Originally from http://oshibanashiori.wordpress.com

I feel so useless lately, whether it be in art or whatever. Nothing ever seems to go the way it's planned of course. I've tried with drawing and that, but I never seem to be able to get my head around it, or if I don't practice for a while, I degenerate quite badly. This is probably part of the reason I decided to get back into writing somewhat, and this 'blog' helps that to a degree.

Edit: I know there are probably people with worse lives and I shouldn't complain. In fact, I hate complaining, but that's how I feel at this point in time...

The same goes with any other multimedia I work with, such as photography, video. I have a hard time being original, is what I feel. I constantly feel overshadowed by the people around me, for instance in Photography in Year 11. Somehow I ended up coming first in the grade for that class, but I still didn't believe it for over a month. My classmate's photographs held so much more meaning, were better shot... I'd simply shot mine while on a bushwalk with a digital camera, catching reflections off puddles, because that's something I was always interested in, reflections off the top of water. Water in general.

That's why when it came to making my video, I pretty much shot  water ripples, and then added music. I didn't add any special effects or anything, it was simply my digital camera, the tap running into the basin, the natural lighting of my bathroom (or... not natural, as it were) at 1AM and a Japanese song. I still to this day see nothing particularly amazing about what I produced that year, despite the award that I received and the praise that my work was of high standard...

I still really want a good quality SLR camera, but considering the cost of it, most likely won't happen for a long time, if it happens at all. As much as I like photography, I haven't taken as many photos in recent years and don't even carry around a camera with me all the time anymore, since I never clean the SD card or charge it, which renders it sometimes useless when I need it.

Since I got my tablet though, I've been taking more photos with it whenever I feel like I want to, but it requires very steady hands, of course, seeing it's a low quality camera. I try to rest the tablet against something whether it's against me or something else when I take a shot, but it doesn't guarantee that the image ends up in focus. But no matter how I try, my device is an Android.

I look at the photos the others have put up using Instagram, and although sometimes they are overly saturated, often they are quite picturesque. Not having Instagram, I can only do what I can with my own resources, but in the end I'm dissatisfied with the result.

In the end, although I remain considering a Digital Media course for Masters, I am not so positive that this is the correct choice to make. I'm not a fan of Business, and if I'm honest, I'm a dreadful developer. I'm happy doing design work, but often my style is too Minimalistic, and although I'm usually initially happy with the result, after a time I see better designs and wonder why I can't be more artistic.

Less is more though, that's true, none the less, I wonder why I can't be as detailed as some people. I am meticulous and often overly detailed in the work and writing that I do, but there seems a factor of laziness when it comes to designing...

Of course there are often many other paths in life I know not of yet, I'm still wondering where this will all lead for a person who feels they have not many prospects, despite what many people have tried to tell me and reassure me about over Twitter. Where do I want to go in life? What do I want to do?

I want to help people. I want to enjoy myself. I like artistic endeavours, but unfortunately, don't often produce the results that are expected. I like to edit, assess and review work.

I wonder what that all means...

I wanted to apply to work as the IT Support of a primary school at one stage, just to see what that was like. I like IT Support, and support at a primary school takes much less effort than it does at a high school, in my opinion. I still think this would be a good experience if I could somehow do it for half a year instead of a whole year. I mentioned it to my dad earlier, and he said it would be a waste of a year of time, which kind of shot my idea down in flames. He said it would be better to work at a high school or at university as a tutor, and I doubt I have any ability to be a tutor in any of the subjects I've taken yet. Pft.

So, I guess in the end, do I want to please my parents or myself? I would love to work in a primary school environment for a while, and yeah, ok. Certain individuals make me want to get to know little kids a bit better, maybe, although I wouldn't ever consider being a teacher. But little kids are not all bad, I just don't enjoy playing with toddlers - hopefully those have been left behind at the childcares and preschools.

.... So let's see where this will take me....

Oh, I shouldn't forget to mention I still - out of all the things I want to do - I want to go overseas. I want to go overseas so badly. I doubt my parents understand though, and when I mention it to Dad he questions everything. My mum would give me a flat no as usual because I 'can't take care of myself', but how do you know until you try?

I'm a firm believer that situations force people to change, so if I force myself into a situation, I can force myself to change too. It doesn't mean that I can't try to change now, but there is of course, more motivation to change for the better when adapting to your situation.

I want to leave Australia so very much. But it's unlikely to happen unless I do it myself... I wanted to get an internship over the summer so I could try to earn some money, sadly that most likely won't happen now, and is a wasted opportunity to secure myself a graduate position. I can either study overseas or work overseas. I am desperate to get out of Australia.

Not even Tasmania is far enough. It's still Australia.

.... I was going to end this post earlier, but over the break between semesters, my mum asked if I wanted to go to Tasmania, and they were planning a trip there, either to Tasmania or to Alice Springs. I said I didn't want to go, and they could go if they wanted to. As usual, my mum can't trust me with the house and said I would be dead at the end of the week if they went on holiday because I wouldn't have anything to eat. I hate that they treat me like I'm an idiot who has no idea how to fend for herself all the time. It feels like I'm being babied, my judgement is never trusted.

... But anyway, I mentioned I wanted to go overseas instead, and my mum asked where. I said China, Hong Kong or ... America. Canada. Toronto? Where my relatives were? My parents considered Hong Kong, but... yeah, I don't know. And they said no to Canada. It was too cold, they said. But our breaks are not at the right time to visit Canada in the Summer either. This is probably why I will never ever visit my father's side of the family. None of them care to come here except my aunt, who lives in Seattle anyway. They send a letter and a cheque of CAD every year but no one comes to visit. I know I have cousins a lot older than me, and nieces and nephews older than me, but other than that, I know nothing about them.

..... I feel so dissatisfied about everything sometimes. Sometimes that doesn't go away and I write long posts like this. Sometimes I just ignore it and do what I have to do.

I guess some of it comes from the fact that I think these things will never change, because I am forever limited by my parents who won't let me do anything, and money which I don't have enough of.

That's why my dad goes 'you could probably live with us for another twenty years', and maybe in the past I would go 'sounds good, that way I don't need to pay council rates and rent or buy a house', but now I just think 'hell no, I don't want to live with you until I'm 40, I want to get out of this country and migrate'.

I seriously looked up migration and citizenship. I just don't fully get it.

..... And I leave all this ranting here because I don't feel like I could ever really talk to anyone about it in detail.

Actually there are many things I want to talk about, but I just can't bring myself to. That's probably why sometimes I get annoyed about certain things on certain places, but I can't express that anger either.

... That's all for now. -_-