[Photoblog] 2013.02.15 Let me out.


Most of today I spent staring at all four walls. I've learned to hate the days I don't go out, it's hard to imagine that scarcely a year ago I was happy to be a hikikomori that didn't budge from place for weeks on end. All I needed was anime. But if I don't go outside now, if I don't feel like somehow I'm a little closer to Ruben, I feel restless and depressed.

It's an interesting point, that last word. My self esteem hasn't ever been particularly high ever since the end of 2010, but today it seemed to hit a new low for me. I don't know whether it's more of a self-construct though, or something else, but either way it wasn't pleasant and I'm tempted to go talk to someone if they can help me resolve these issues I have. I don't believe in self-diagnosis, because I know that's the worst thing you can do, but I don't know what to call the feeling when I'm just sad whenever I'm left to my own devices.

In any case, when I'm in this sort of state, I tend to to think that I know nothing, can't do anything, and don't deserve anything, which of course is just a destructive cycle that doesn't stop. For some reason the approach of darkness made me feel a lot better immediately though, and I don't understand why that would be the case. Perhaps it's because I know I'm nearing a new day though, and I know that in this new day is the chance to go outside, and to see the person that I long to see. And perhaps that's all that keeps me going now.